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Curt
Joined: Eons Ago
# Posts: 3736
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Posted: 2008-May-21 23:50
The Female Genie
While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on the sand & picked it up. Suddenly, a female Genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said, "Master, may I grant you one wish?"
Osama responded, "You ignorant, unworthy Daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything."
The shocked Genie said, "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever."
Osama thought a moment, then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman and said, "Very well, I want to awaken with three American women in my bed in the morning. So just do it and be off with you."
The annoyed Genie said, "So be it!" and disappeared.
The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton at his side. His private part was gone, his knees were broken, and he had no health insurance.
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Curt
Joined: Eons Ago
# Posts: 3736
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Posted: 2008-May-22 00:21
A modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his colon upset.
Upon several false alarms and trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another false alarm and stayed put. Suddenly diarrhea went all over his bed. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown thing off himself.
As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"
The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the crap out of a ghost."
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beth_lk
Staff
Joined: Jun 23, 2004
# Posts: 1247
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Posted: 2008-May-22 02:48
lol lol good ones 
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nhd4me
Joined: Oct 14, 2007
# Posts: 43
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Posted: 2008-May-22 05:25
Well since you started ...
A man gets home from work and walks up to his wife with a sheep under his arm ..
"This is the pig I am sleeping with"
The wife says "For your information, that's not a pig, it's a sheep"
Husband "For your information, I wasn't speaking to you"
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animated3d
Joined: Dec 22, 2005
# Posts: 420
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Posted: 2008-May-22 06:11
MUHAHAHAHAHAHA nhd4me's one cracked me up the most
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formerskeptic
Joined: Oct 05, 2001
# Posts: 301
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Posted: 2008-May-22 08:07
Husband "For your information, I wasn't speaking to you"
Classic 
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Curt
Joined: Eons Ago
# Posts: 3736
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Posted: 2008-May-28 12:46
1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"
2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"
1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."
2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"
1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."
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Curt
Joined: Eons Ago
# Posts: 3736
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Posted: 2008-May-28 12:50
We had an intern who was not very bright. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?"
"Just use copier machine paper," she told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
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Curt
Joined: Eons Ago
# Posts: 3736
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Posted: 2008-May-28 12:55
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. You can avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat just by using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use an egg timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move but should, use the WD-40. If it should not move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
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Curt
Joined: Eons Ago
# Posts: 3736
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Posted: 2008-May-28 13:07
Bubba went to a psychiatrist. "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy."
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week, and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"Eighty dollars per visit, replied the doctor."
"I'll sleep on it," said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me about those fears you were having?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Well eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup!"
"Is that so! And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?"
"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!—Ain't nobody under there now!"
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SportsGuy
Staff
Joined: Aug 30, 2002
# Posts: 3600
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Posted: 2008-May-28 22:16
Found this somewhere once - not "truly" a joke, but makes me snicker when I read it - if you have a dog, you'll get this one:
Dear Dogs,
When I say "Move", it means go someplace else, not switch position so you are still in the way.
The dishes with the paw prints are yours, and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not "Stake a claim", making it your food and dish - nor is this aesthetically pleasing to me in any way.
The stairs were NOT designed by NASCAR and they are NOT a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is NOT the objective. Tripping me does not help, because I can fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything larger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the sofa to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs sleeping - they can actually curl up into a ball. It is, therefore, NOT necessary to sleep perpendicular, across the bed, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking out your tail and having your tongue hanging out to maximize "space used" is nothing but doggy sarcasm.
For the last time, there is NO secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I manage to get in there before you, and get the door shut, it is NOT necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the door knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door to try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Additionally, I have been useing bathrooms for years, and happen to know canine attendance is NOT mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell another dogs butt. I cannot stress this enough. This would be such a simple change for you.
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Quadrille
Joined: Nov 15, 2000
# Posts: 1064
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Posted: 2008-May-28 23:24
Send for Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer.
But preferably, get a cat!
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SportsGuy
Staff
Joined: Aug 30, 2002
# Posts: 3600
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Posted: 2008-May-28 23:48
Blasphemy!
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beth_lk
Staff
Joined: Jun 23, 2004
# Posts: 1247
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Posted: 2008-May-29 00:46
Oh My Goodness ! Love Them All - Thanks I Needed A Laugh Today 
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